“The ego is a vain illusion; a playful phantasmagoria that is born within time and dies within time.”From Deshojando el Corazón de la Eternidad
We often talk about the ego as if it were a character trait. We say that a person really has a big ego, or how selfish he or she is. We usually associate it with a little inner devil up to its tricks.
The truth is that the ego has nothing to do with those ways of picturing it. Let us understand it simply as the sense of separation between the subject, which is the Being, and the apparent experience one has, that is, the object. Put more simply: it is feeling that here I am, over there is the world, and between the two there is an invisible wall.
That is why it is not about fighting it. It is about seeing it.
An invisible wall
Once we presume there is some form of separation, we begin to feel it, and very directly. If you think and believe you are separate, then you are going to feel separate.
The ego shows itself through the mind and sets itself up as the thought of “I”: the sense of being different. And I believe in that difference and that division. The mind associates that mental “I” with the body, and so a false identity is created, a false idea of ourselves.
All of this takes shape when we mistakenly identify with the body as if it were our Being. Seeing ourselves this way, defined by the body, we believe we are separate from our surroundings, when in reality we are not. And once we see ourselves as separate, the universe becomes foreign and fragmented to us. We stop living and start surviving.
A two-sided coin
Although we call it a feeling, separation is not an emotion like the others. Deep down it is only an idea. That is why I say the ego is like a two-sided coin: on one side it projects the idea of separation from the world we perceive with our senses, and on the other it creates the feeling of separation from our essence, from our consciousness.
The sense of separation is a way of being absent from ourselves. We forget the Divinity within us, and we come to feel unworthy and to believe that it is somewhere outside. And we also forget our true essence, which is innocent, intuitive, caring, sweet and omnipresent, just as the Divinity is.
That is why human beings became experts at running away from themselves. They look for distractions: parties, exciting conversations, trips, work, shopping, or simply the attitude of a victim. Man is a permanent fugitive from himself, and the instrument he uses to numb his consciousness and avoid being with himself is the mind; and behind the scenes, the ego.
We ourselves reinforce this feeling. We teach our children to identify with their race, their religion, their beliefs and their social position, and at school the idea of individuality is reinforced even more. In this way our identity becomes the root of our sense of separation.
A watch full of gears
The ego works as if it were a watch full of parts. Sometimes we try to break it by removing some pieces, but it keeps running through other gears still in motion. That is why it is so hard to take apart: it is made up of many parts.
I call those parts subroutines: mechanisms that work on top of one another, following the patterns of how we feel, think and react. We create millions of them, in relationships, at work, in the family and, above all, in the spiritual search.
I will give you an example, even though it may sound superficial. Whenever you start a new romantic relationship, your ego generates a very friendly subroutine, adjusted to the other person's expectations. That friendliness wears off after a couple of years, because the gears of an earlier subroutine were still there underneath.
The ego, therefore, is not an entity, but a group of subroutines deeply rooted inside of us, which generate the idea of a person. If you look back, you will be able to recognize how loving you are, but also how stubborn. That is where you will find your own subroutines.
When I wanted to destroy it
I, too, wanted to do away with the ego. I felt identified with the subroutine of my spiritual search, and I had trouble breaking with the idea that it was my own ego creating the illusion. I remained attentive, observant and critical of my own mind, believing I was aiming for its destruction. But reality was very different: my weapon turned out to be my own ego. The supervisor of my subroutines ended up becoming the worst executioner of my identity.
That is how it works. Within the spiritual search itself, the ego creates new gears intending to eliminate itself, without knowing that it is nothing but itself, trying to come up with a more complex system for its alleged destruction.
The ego feels that it is an individual, and that it is the one who is going to have a mystical transformation, an illumination. But that is impossible. Something unreal, without true presence, could not be the basis for anything.
How can the ego deny itself? Truly, it cannot. Attempting to destroy the ego with the mind is like swimming in the waters of a mirage.
What happens in presence
What we can do is surrender our attention to the present, favoring the feeling of life, of existence, which comes before the mind. No effort is required to demolish the ego: it will dissolve on its own when you can perceive that you are one with the Being.
And when you notice you are being too harsh with certain emotions, you are also capable of turning them into love: effortlessly, nothing mechanical, just by observing with consciousness and presence what is arising inside of you. You are not defined by the gears of your ego.
If, as you break with what you believe yourself to be, some fear appears, remember that it comes from the ego, which believes it is going to cease to exist. Even observing that fear will already bring about a transformation in you: you will have understood that this is not what you really are.
The ego has many faces, and all of them are based on separateness. The Being has a single essence and no particular face, even though it is in all of them. Its essence is Oneness. Stay with it for a moment, here, now.
From Dr. Zuluan Orion's books: Deshojando el Corazón de la Eternidad · El refugio del corazón · Illumination