“As time goes by, spirituality itself becomes another form of seeking, reinforcing the feeling of separation from our being.”From Deshojando el Corazón de la Eternidad
For years I searched with all my strength. I went to live in Thailand to devote myself to meditating day and night, leaving my family and my beliefs behind. The greatest of my trials was doubt: many times I lost faith, believing that nothing I was doing would get me anywhere. I was tired of that relentless exploration, of looking for the truth of awakening in one teacher after another.
One day, a friend and teacher said to me: “You have made so much effort in your spiritual life that you created an identity as a spiritual seeker. Stop being one.”
When I heard these words, I literally felt a punch in the stomach that knocked the wind out of me. I could not understand how all the effort I had made had been for nothing. Seeing my expression, he told me once more to stop seeking and let go of everything, not to give importance to anything I had made sacred in my practice, because it had been my ego that created this whole new identity for me.
A very spiritual identity
He spoke to me wisely. I had created many ideas about what I should be and do, to the point of keeping the simplest thing from happening.
The ego is the feeling of separation, and it wants to create a spiritual version of you. No matter how much effort you put into creating a spiritual ego full of experiences, it will go on identifying with the idea of what it believes it is. The ego is desperate to hold on to that false identity, even if it is a very spiritual one.
Even the search is generated by the ego. It is the ego that believes illumination is for itself, and so it turns the seeker into a super-person. Many fall into this relentless search as if they were students pursuing a doctorate: they go to temples, take courses and trainings that in the end are only recipes the mind creates. The spiritual search does not make such people spiritual.
We start creating paths and expecting some kind of progress that can be measured, in experiences, in achievements, in recognition. We become fascinated with subtle worlds that, however beautiful they may be, end up being addictive. And the more ideas about the truth one acquires, the more distant that truth becomes.
Why do we seek?
The spiritual search rests on our assumption, even when we do not realize it, that we are separate from the truth or from the Being, precisely here and now. The moment we believe we are different from reality, we begin a mistaken search, hoping to get something the ego can own or obtain.
And yet, deep down, the impulse comes from the Being. In our heart there is an emptiness that no experience can fill. It is the Being itself that generates this discontent with what we are living, and the mind translates it into a signal to go searching once more. The initiative of wanting to wake up from this nightmare comes from our true Being.
But when the mind takes over that impulse, the inner search becomes, without our realizing it, one more way of divorcing ourselves from the truth and keeping up the feeling of separation. If you seek the Divine Presence, you can lose yourself in that frantic search, avoiding the present, which is where this relationship truly takes place.
Stopping the search
After that encounter I stopped meditating; I gave it all up. I told myself that none of this was for me. I felt upset with God, with the universe, with the teachers; I was exhausted and deeply frustrated. I had a taste of human helplessness: there was nothing I could do to make way for the awakening of my Being. All my efforts, no matter how noble, came from the ego.
Upon breaking with the search, I also found myself, spontaneously, in a state without desire. It was not a depressive state, but an understanding. Today I can tell you that this is the natural state of all beings. Deep down, behind each one of us, there is nothing the soul wants. The soul is ready to embrace all things, but it desires nothing in particular.
In those days I had a statue of the Buddha before which I had bowed down countless times, as an act of devotion and surrender. One night I saw it for what it really was: a metal statue. I put a tie around its neck, to demystify it, and went to bed.
In a way, one of my last idols was falling from the altar I myself had made for it. I wanted to live the real thing and not a statue, but honestly, at that point I couldn't have cared less whether it was for me or not. Shortly afterward, when I was no longer seeking anything, what I had pursued for so many years came by grace.
Under your nose
The great revelation you are looking for cannot come about through causality, through an effect, or through a technique that takes you to a higher level. Although living in surrender is simple, I know it is not easy: we have given all the power to the mind, which even fools us into believing that we have truly surrendered. It is devotion that transcends that supposed super-person, which in the end is nothing more than a handful of thoughts and emotions where there is no one. So, if there is no one there, who is devoted to whom?
Do not look for the Divine Presence outside yourself. It is not on the highest cloud: it is right under your nose, in your heart, in your own consciousness. Rest your attention in the feeling of life, which is the Being, in the eternal now. Now I say to you: no more ideas, no more concepts, just live in relationship with God.
From Dr. Zuluan Orion's books: El refugio del corazón · Illumination · Devoción · Deshojando el Corazón de la Eternidad